Dear Diary: One

My diary is the place to holds all my deepest darkest thoughts, fantasies, all my high points and low points in life. I love reading back and seeing how I have changed throughout the years and a diary is something I will always recommend as a perfect emotional outlet. Tonight was one of those nights, feeling low, frustrated and just tired of everything so I wrote in my diary but as I was going, I really felt the need to share all that I was feeling with you guys. I have always said that I  want my blog to be something that people read and think, “wow, I can relate to that”. Now don’t get it twisted, I say a lot of things on this blog but I never want to come across as I’m someone who is super “strong” and “put together” and with her whole life figured out because that is just not the case, I literally tell things the way it is for me.

As per usual, my evenings at home, especially when I’m not at uni are not wild and I have a lot of down time on my hands and out of nowhere, I am triggered…
I’m not confident, I’m not the happy-go-lucky person a lot of people think I am and I’m not this high moral-ed self-righteous person a few people have told me I am. Sometimes it really baffles me how people see me in a certain way because if they knew half the crazy shit that runs through my head, they wouldn’t see me as the same Alice they think they know.

I am insecure, I’m flawed, I sin and I lack a huge amount of confidence…
And I’m good at hiding these things, not always but I’m good at it when I need to be. I shift a lot of attention off me and shift it to others, I place a lot of attention on other people as much as possible to the point where I don’t even, can’t even focus on myself sometimes when I’m alone. It actually hurts to admit all of this because it’s sad to me that I don’t have this persona that other people want me to have, but the truth of the matter is I can’t always be, happy, smiley Alice who talks for the whole of England….

My parents got together because my mum was pregnant, I was a mistake, I feel like the mistake that caused my father to have to give up his dreams and be the family man he probably never wanted to be. At the beginning, he tried to be a dad but somewhere along the lines he just gave up and stopped trying and now we don’t have a relationship. The correct term for this problem is “daddy issues”, so I have self-image issues and daddy issues fucking fantastic! Though there is a title for these things, it doesn’t make me feel any better even though these issues are pretty normal and there is a shit load of people going through or has been through these exact issues.

I just want to be happy, that is my goal in life.
To be happy, to accept love, give it and feel it but it is so fucking difficult to be happy sometimes. It get tiring to keep trying to be happy and failing all the time so I just feel like saying fuck it. But I believe I have a purpose and I can’t give up on life without finding out what this purpose is, so I’m going to keep trying to be the confident person I know I can be, to not need reassurance all the time and to be comfortable within myself. Even if I fail in life then at least I bloody tried my hardest.

I once knew somebody who liked to tell all his problems to strangers because he found it easier and he knew that he would never see any of them again. I never really understood why he liked to do that until right this moment, because all these things that I have been feeling, some of my loved ones don’t even know and it is even a bit nuts to be able to write this and post it online for the whole world to read but life is a bit nuts isn’t it?

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