The year 2015 was a hard year for me, it was one of the worst years of my life because of all the different things I went through. I was suffering from an identity crisis, I was heartbroken, I had fallen out with my best friends and I thought that life was just not going to get any better for me. It was just the wrong time to feel the way that I did, I was entering my last year of Sixth form and I really needed to focus on my school work to get into university. I was fighting my friends, fighting my loved ones but the biggest fight I was fighting was myself.
That year I had the fight of my life, anxiety and depression was at the other side of the ring, waiting to beat me. So many people I loved and I thought loved me back betrayed me, just used and left me. Going through all of that made me feel so insecure, paranoid and worried. Every single day I woke up, I felt like a zombie, crippled with fear of the future and of being hurt again. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to get my shit together and get the grades that I needed.
Anxiety was something that I had always had but, I never really understood what it was and it had never been as bad before. I couldn’t relax, no matter where I was or what I was doing, I was tense, always on high alert and worried something bad would happen to me. Worrying about what else was gonna come out from the dark and get me and sometimes I would just overwhelm myself with so much worrying, negative thinking that I would start to feel pain in my body, my heart constantly pounding….
Along with my anxiety came the depression, the two went hand-in-hand trying to destroy me, when I realised that I had anxiety I became depressed about it.
“This doesn’t happen to me. I’m not the type of person to have something
Those were some of the thoughts that ran through my head at that time, why fucking me! I didn’t want to be seen by anyone and going into school was hard, I would go in and go straight back out as soon as I was done. All I wanted to do was to stay in bed and sleep when I could, that was exactly what I did. I had countless sleepless nights and the days I was brave I would call my cousin or my best friends and cry, I wouldn’t even say hello on the phone, I would just burst out in tears. But my favourite place to cry was the bathtub, I could cry in peace while the water was running, and then once I was done I could just simply wash my face and look my family and pretend everything was okay.
The first time I cried in the bath I thought about killing myself…
“No one would miss me”
“I could just slip away and it would be so easy”
“I have nothing and I am nothing”
I just wanted to be at peace and not have to face all these problems that I was facing, at that point it was easier to just give up because I lost sight of what it was I was fighting for, I didn’t see a real reason to live…I had no friends, the person I thought I loved had just used and abused me emotionally, I couldn’t talk to my family, daddy issues and I had already messed about in the first year so there was no way I could actually make it to university. That was a dark day for me….
The second time I wanted to kill myself, seriously kill myself was this year.
Again I had so much shit going on at home, at university, I wasn’t happy with myself, I was insecure again and I just snapped. I had days where I was super anxious but I thought I was dealing with it, I knew what to do but one day I was just attacked. I believe I was spiritually attacked because I woke up one day and I didn’t want to do it anymore, I didn’t want to wake up and face what life had in store for me and I wanted out. I was ready to take all the pills that I could touch, drink the bottle of vodka I had, get into my bed and just fade away… I couldn’t stop thinking, my mind was in overdrive thinking about all the things that had gone wrong in my life, how I couldn’t fix all the problems I was facing.
I actually picked up those pills.
That was the darkest day I have ever had in my life…
It still shocks me how your biggest enemy in the world can be your mind, it’s part of you so automatically it is supposed to be on your side. I’m still trying to understand what the right thing to do is, how I avoid getting into those situations because one day, one really bad day I might actually kill myself. I would love to say that I am healed and that I have all the answers for those of you reading but that would be a lie, but what I can tell you is the things that have helped me cope over the years.
Not a lot of people know these things about me, only one person knows the full details of what goes on in my life and I urge that if you can find at least one person to offload all your troubles to, one person you can be truly honest with, that you trust then you can get so much weight off your shoulders. My cousin is so amazing because she is that one person for me, she knows every single thing about me, the good and the bad and any other person, other family members wouldn’t deal with me the way she does.
My faith is something that I never really took seriously until recently and in my times of need I have found it so comforting to rent out to the universe, the vent to God and to believe in something has really soothed my soul.
The company I keep has been a very important factor in my journey and I have tried to make sure that I am surrounded by nothing but positivity, people who are happy and who want to see me win in life. Toxic people can really take you over the edge and it is so important for your mental state to be around genuine, positive, good influences otherwise you can be led astray down a path you can’t get out of. I have had every type of bad friend and it has taken me a long time to break the chains of bad friends and find some real genuine people.
I wish I had more to add to this, more solid advice but I don’t have the answers. I hope that by some of you reading this, you will realise that depression, anxiety, mental health, it can happen to anyone and everyone. People always comment on how strong I am, and how well I deal with things but the truth is, I struggle just as much as the next person. Never ever think that you are all alone in the way you are feeling, it’s nothing new and there are so many people out there that can help you, that will help you and will want to help you. It just takes one simple conversation and your whole life can change for the better.
Though I’ve had a rough time this year, I have also had one of the best years possible and every day I wake up and just try my best to be happy. If I can create a few happy moments to keep me going, then life is worth living, if I can do it then you can do it too.