Confidence

Does anyone ever get the itch to reinvent themselves?
To totally transform their identity or image?

I get that itch, at least twice a year and every time I always want to do something drastic! This time I opted for deleting my Instagram pictures and re-starting my feed. I had this vision to have a 90s vibe for my Instagram, so it was out with the old pictures and in with the new ones.
With my amazing idea in my head and plenty of time to spare at home, I hired my 12-year-old sister to take pictures of me. I’m not photogenic AT ALL but how hard can it be to stand and pose right?!

Apparently, I can’t pose for shit!
Like I said I’m not photogenic and that’s something I’ve always known but this time I expected things to be different.
For once I actually wanted to take these pictures, this was something I wanted to do but yet every single picture I took, I was extremely dissatisfied with the way I looked.
I was so frustrated that I didn’t take a picture that I felt was worthy of putting on to Instagram.
I tried my best to get what I thought was the “right image”, though my sister told me countless times I had amazing pictures already, I couldn’t bring myself to believe her.
Deep down I knew the problem was not about being able to take photos, because photogenic or not – we can all stand and smile, we all have the ability to take pictures but what stops some of us (me being part of the some, obviously) is confidence.

I realised that I don’t have the confidence I need in life and that is something that will hold me back (has held me back) from posting on social media and ultimately doing the things I really want to do in life.
You’d expect to get confident over time and “grow into your looks” as adults like to say, but I’m pushing on to 20 years old and still uncomfortable in my body, still trying to figure out how to love myself the way I am and to not let what I see on social media affect me negatively.  It’s difficult seeing beautiful pictures online and feeling like you can’t take beautiful pictures yourself…

I have this fear that I can not let the world see me less than 100%
If I don’t feel confident that I’m giving out 100% in the world then, I feel like I give people a platform to say negative things, that I allow people to see the imperfections I see, the things that make me feel less than and different.
It is the weirdest feeling to try to describe! I know we all have imperfections, its impossible to be 100% perfect but I bloody well try to be, which leaves me frustrated many times when I don’t achieve what I want to achieve.
I have a fear of posting on my blog, posting my true thoughts and opinions in case someone tells me that I’m not good enough to post certain posts.

I want to be able to have the confidence to go places I want to go, do the things I want to do, post what I want to post, write about what I want to write about and not think twice about it! To not have any anxiety, fears or insecurities…but it’s all easier said than done.
Is there a permanent fix for lack of confidence?
Or is it something that you have to constantly work on and keep growing?

I know that I’m not alone in the things that I’ve talked about today, there is probably another 19-year-old somewhere in the world struggling with confidence and self-image issues as well. For the people who feel the way I feel too, I would have loved to have had a conclusion to this post, to have an answer to these issues but I don’t.
Nor do I have an effective way to improve confidence either but, what I do know is that the answer starts with self-love.

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Alice x

 

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